cruel and unusual

There is nothing rational about my feelings about dropping my three month old child off for daycare. But I’m his Mommy, so I don’t have to be rational, right?

My brain knows and understands that he will be fine. In fact, he will be more than fine. He is in the care of a licensed facility with women who just ooh and ah over him every time we go in. They are more than capable of feeding, changing, and playing with him. He will adjust and get used to the environment and eventually nap just fine. The other little ones flock to him when he comes in, and he loves to watch them. It will be good for him.

But my heart says that no one knows him like I do. No one else anticipates when he is starting to get hungry or tired, or when he needs his pacifier, or when he wants a change in scenery or to sit up instead of laying down. No one else can get him to giggle quite the same, or get him to tell them a story full of coos and squeals quite the same. I have a happy baby because I know what makes him happy.

My brain knows and understands that he doesn’t love me any less, nor do I love him any less, just by virtue of the fact that he has to go to daycare. I am still his Mommy, and nothing is going to change that.

But my heart says that it doesn’t matter that daycare doesn’t change how we feel about each other. It says that is all the more reason to just stay home and cuddle him. I have nurtured him since the very moment he came into existence as a few multiplying cells, and I should be allowed to continue to do so.

My brain knows and understands that this is just how it has to be. I have substantial student loan debt that must be paid. We want to build a house eventually, and in order to do that we are going to have to try to save some more money. I went to school for years and years in order to become an attorney and I do like my job. If I want to keep it, I have to work.

But my heart says that I did this all wrong. We waited until after I finished school to start our family, and thought that was absolutely the right decision. But maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t. I never imagined the love I would feel for my own child, or that I might want to stay home with him. I never pictured myself as a stay at home mother. I thought I would be bored out of my mind. I could not have been more wrong. There is nothing more that I want in this world to be at home with that baby boy of mine, feeding him, playing with him, and watching every moment of his every day.

And that is what is quite possibly the hardest part of all of this to swallow: I inflicted this upon myself. This is all a direct result of the decisions I have made. I am not a person who lives with regrets, but I truly regret those decisions today. Maybe in the future it won’t be so heart-wrenchingly awful and I will be able to enjoy my work again. But for now? This arrangement is just cruel and unusual punishment.


there’s no place like . . . well, you know

Home, of course.

One of the biggest changes I’ve experienced since graduation has been being home just about every night.  It is strange and wonderful at the same time.

It’s been a bit of an adjustment at times.  I don’t feel as organized as I was each week during law school.  When you have to pack your clothes, food, and school books each week to ensure you have everything, it is easy to just get everything together for the week on Sunday.  Then you don’t have to think about what you’re wearing, eating, or doing on a specific day.  It’s all done for you.  Now, I not only have to plan things for myself but also for that extra person who is suddenly around me all the time: the hubby.  I can’t just watch what I want to watch, or throw just anything together for a meal. I just can’t change the radio station or monopolize the wi-fi.

But it’s also been wonderful.  I get to sleep in my own bed at night, and relax on my comfy couch and watch my television.  I get to cook real meals and eat fresh food that isn’t reheated every day.  I don’t have to worry about forgetting something, because even when I’m at work it’s only a 15 minute drive if I truly need it.

Most of all, I get to come home to my best friend.  We wake up in the morning and talk about our dreams from the night before (okay, only the weekends for this one – who has time during the week?!).  We come home and talk about how our days were and the latest crisis we dealt with at work.  We make dinner together, and share in the chores around the house.  We celebrate special and quasi-special occasions, but also have days where we don’t do much but just hang out with each other.  We make plans with friends and family, and we even get to make plans for our future, together.  It’s like our lives aren’t on hold anymore.

I don’t remember clicking my ruby red slippers three times, but I must have.  Because there really is no place like home.

the bluest skies you’ve ever seen are in Seattle*

I’m so very excited that over the next six months: I will graduate law school. Two of my favorite people will graduate from college. A friend will marry the man she’s loved for so many years. Ryan’s brother and sister will both get married, and I will have the honor of standing up with them. I will study for and take the bar exam.

And then, comes The Wait.

The worst wait of my entire life, really. It was hard to wait for my score after I took the LSAT. It was miserable to wait for responses from schools when I applied during my senior year of college. It was excrutiating to wait for grades after 1L exams. And I’ve waited for grades and results every semester since, including the MPRE. But not one of those waiting periods will compare to what I anticipate The Wait to be. The Wait that will come between taking the bar exam and the results will be like no other.

So, in order to distract myself from The Wait, Ryan and I are taking our first trip somewhere with just the two of us (and not to visit family) since our honeymoon. It will be just shy of ten years since that trip when we leave for Seattle, and I can’t wait!

If you’ve been to the Emerald City, what is a “must do” for us while we’re there?

*title of post from Seattle by Perry Como.

holy to do list, batman

I sat down the other day and looked through my planner, and almost immediately became overwhelmed. Law school does that to you. There’s always the normal stuff — reading for class, going to class, meetings, etc. But then, a perfect storm hits: you have several major projects due and several important events in the next few weeks, plus you have things going on in your personal life outside of school that don’t really lend themselves to spending time working on school stuff (like weddings, yay!).

Between now and November 6th, this is what I have to do:

  • Cheer on a friend as she downs a bazillion wings for charity. While wearing a viking helmet, of course.
  • Volunteer to supervise educational mock trials for junior high and high school students.
  • Finish up the wedding gift I’ve been working on for my brother.
  • Finish grading assignments for week 9.
  • Take photos for my baby brother’s wedding. Maybe cry a bit because my baby brother is getting married.
  • Develop film from wedding and get pics on cd transferred to my back up drive, and get the prints and discs to my brother.
  • Work for the clinic, including weekly office hours, client meetings, and three pretrial conferences.
  • Grade extra assignments that will be turned in next week.
  • Do normal weekly office hours for the Ag J.
  • Do an extensive edit for a 75 page article, including source checking, Bluebooking, and proofreading.
  • Grade week 10 assignments.
  • Hold office hours for my T.A. gig and teach one more weekly class.
  • Grade citations for 23 8-page research memos.
  • Coordinate an event providing a safe place for neighborhood children to celebrate Halloween, and take photos for it.
  • Kick some med student butt in the annual flag football standoff of law school v. med school.
  • Plan and/or attend regular monthly or biweekly org meetings, and weekly SBA meetings and committee meetings.
  • Go with my sister-in-law to look at wedding dresses!
  • Study for the MPRE.
  • Finish planning and host an auction that funds the school’s emergency loan fund by auctioning off awesome items donated by professors, like game night at their home or dinner for four at a restaurant. This includes tracking down ever-elusive professors to harangue them into donating.
  • Take the MPRE.
  • Go to my sister in law’s birthday dinner.
  • Oh, and at some point read for class and actually go to class.

I suppose I can always just sleep when I’m dead, right? Or at least after I graduate.

ten things

Trying to get back into the saddle of blogging on a regular basis seems to be a little tricky. What do I talk about? I have a zillion topics in my mind, and can’t seem to narrow it down. So, I’ve decided to just do a listy post. Here are ten things that are on my mind:

1. There is an awesome little tool for lazy people like me here. It allows you to calculate the number of days between two dates. So, if you’re like me and wonder how many days until your super fabulous wonderful vacation, check it out!

2. Speaking of super fabulous wonderful vacations, there are 47 days until my cousin and I take off for California again. This will be our last trip for awhile, and we’re doing it up right — 10 days spread between San Franscisco, Los Angeles, and the PCH. I seriously cannot wait!

3. So…I read the Twilight series. And I didn’t hate it. Shut up. I also watched the first two movies and plan to see the third when it comes out. Shut up.

4. My nephew is officially growing too fast. He’s five, people. If he keeps growing at this rate, he’ll be taller than me by the time he’s seven, I swear. So, so unfair. Is it so wrong that I’ve enjoyed having someone in the hubby’s family who’s shorter than me!?

5. I discovered during our recent trip Up North that I thoroughly miss playing softball. I played catch for a few minutes with Miss Bossy, and it was so much fun. It might just be time to dust off the old glove and check into any rec leagues around here.

6. I had a fabulous idea for a fiction story that I started writing down recently, and I’m kind of excited to see where it goes. I might share an excerpt or two later on, but for now it’s for my eyes only. Am I the only one who does that?

7. Poor planning has resulted in me being forced to take the MPRE in November because it happens to take place in August the day after I get back to Chicago from California. As in, I won’t be in Iowa yet to even take it. Oops.

8. My seasonal allergies have been pretty much unbearable this year. I remember a couple of years ago I didn’t even have to take any medication to relieve my symptoms. This year I’m still hunting for something over the counter that will work! Awful.

9. I am completely and utterly thrilled (and terrified) that I will be a student attorney in our criminal defense clinic next year. I can’t wait to dive into things!

10. In case you’re keeping score, I’ve read 5 non-assigned, non-law-related books thus far this summer. It’s been wonderful, and I am loathe to think that I will have to go another school year without reading for fun.

See? My mind is just a big jumble when it comes to writing right now. Hopefully I can be more focused next time!

fourteen days

Fourteen days from right-this-very-second, I will have been in New York City for a matter of hours. I will have four more days stretched out before me, full of promise, miles of walking, and lots of sightseeing. My cousin and I will have already fallen in love with the city and will have already declared our refusal to leave.

I can’t wait!