things to say

Oh, how my brain has been functioning lately . . . I’ve wanted to say things that are probably wildly inappropriate or pointless to people lately. Where better to share them than here?

1. To the guy who stands on his balcony below ours and talks on his cell phone, when I crack my window because it’s ridiculously hot in this apartment, I can hear every word of your conversation with Jules. Ask her out already, dude.

2. To the girl at the gym who half-asses everything she does every time I see her, you need to kick it up about 5 notches for anything you do to even be beneficial to you. I hope that you’re getting out of the exercise what you want to, but I seriously doubt you are.

3. To the local plastic surgeon who advertises and targets new mothers who are already emotional and insecure about their looks, you disgust me. A woman’s worth is not tied to her body image and you should stop preying on people when they are down. Her family is not going to fall apart because she has stretch marks. There is nothing so beautiful as a new mother and her baby, so can it, pal.

4. To the morning and afternoon traffic reporters, you really need to find a system to be a little more up to date with your information. I hate driving the speed limit and hearing that traffic is backed up because of an accident at some specific location, and seeing nothing when I go by. I hate driving around an area to avoid it based on your information to find out that the accident had been cleaned up some time before that. And I REALLY hate when traffic is ridiculously backed up, but you claim that “it’s a speed limit trip on the freeway.”

5. To Amy Sherman-Palladino, please, please, please write a Gilmore Girls movie. And to Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel and the whole motley crew, please come back for it. You know the ending of the series was unsatisfactory, and I want to know what happened next.

6. To my law and religion professor, we didn’t like the Howe article despite your hopes that we enjoyed it. It made no sense, was difficult to read, and quite frankly none of us is sure why it was included in the syllabus to begin with. Sorry.

7. To the creators of Just Dance 2, I can tell you that I have no problem doing your choreography in the privacy of my own living room. But your statement that you can “take the choreography with you” and do it in public . . . um, no. I am not going to point at other people and play air guitar when Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend comes on at a party, thanks.

8. To the guy who parks the BMW in the garage near my apartment building, why on earth are you driving a brand new BMW and living in these craphole apartments?! I’m just saying you could probably spend only a tiny bit more a month and live somewhere you don’t need to wait until no one’s looking to park the car in the garage for fear that someone will break into the garage and lift the car.

9. To Eminem, dude. You won a Grammy. It really is okay to smile a little.

10. To every guy who has purchased and then hung the ridiculous and disturbingly anatomically correct testicles on the back of your pick up truck, you are a moron. That is all.

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4 thoughts on “things to say

  1. I think she and Jess are going to hook up. And the opening scene will be like, “Oh! Let’s meet the baby!” And it will be Kirk and Lulu’s baby. Because OH! THE KIRK-PARENTING ANTICS! Think he’ll do the same thing to the baby as he did to the dogs, or be like the most capable parent EVER? And then I say that Liz and TJ are suddenly hitting a rough spot. Meanwhile, back at the Inn, some odd event is going on. Then Friday night dinner rolls around, Rory and Jess show up and announced that they are married! Now, Lorelei will feel weird about marrying Luke because if she and Luke have a baby, it will be Rory’s cousin-in-law.

    What’s your storyboard look like?

  2. Pingback: Fridays From the Frontline « Clear Admit: Law School Admissions Blog

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