un, एक, një, uno, yksi, ein, ένας, en, um, 一个, jeden, isa, אחד

The number one has been on my mind a lot lately, because I learned a very valuable lesson this week.  It is a lesson that you may think is common sense.  I would agree but I also will say that the situation in which I learned this lesson was definitely a situation rife with a lack of common sense.

One little word can make the world of difference.  The inclusion or exclusion of one little word can have enormous, life-changing consequences in any type of case.  But it seems to me that this is especially true in family law cases.  Words like primary, or shall, or exclusive, or may, or joint, or sole.

It can mean people not doing things they clearly agreed to do, or doing things they clearly agreed not to do.  It can mean the difference between making ends meet or getting your home foreclosed on or your car repossessed.  It can mean a drastic change in legal custody or physical care of children that was not intended.  It can mean another attorney seizing on that inclusion or omission and running with it no matter the clear spirit of an agreement or decree, and no matter how ethical that behavior may or may not be.

I’ve always known that the legal world is one of technicalities, and accuracy is paramount when you are constantly in that kind of domain.  I would say that I look for those same inclusions or omissions to protect my client’s interests just like any other lawyer would.  But I know the difference between protecting my client’s interests and taking advantage of a situation when it is clear to everyone involved that my argument is absurd to begin with.  I would never give the kind of advice that was given in the case I’ve dealt with this week, because I know that it is wrong.

I know where to draw the line.  I guess that is one difference between this other attorney and me.

And I like that one difference.

like a petulant four year old

I’m having one of those days.

You know the type of day I’m talking about: you can’t get anything done to save your life because that thing you had to finish ended up taking forever, you drive an hour each way to get work done on your car and spend six hours in a town you don’t know only to get home later than planned without the work being completed because the service manager didn’t tell you that he needed both keys with the car in order to program the remote start, you try to work remotely but the wifi connection is so crappy that you keep getting disconnected and are only slightly productive anyway, and you come home to realize that the stack of dishes next to the sink means that it’s your turn for that lovely little chore.

I am cranky.  If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to act like a petulant four year old and throw a temper tantrum.  Or maybe I’ll just settle for a giant bowl of peppermint ice cream . . .

dear mother nature,

Enough already. I’m sure it’s funny to you to just dump snow whenever you feel like it, particularly over night, but I’m here to tell you that I am tired of it.

If you keep this up, I’m afraid that we are not going to be able to continue our relationship. And let’s face it, that will get awkward. You’re not going anywhere, and I’m not going anywhere. Can’t we just be friends again? Can’t you stop dumping just enough wet, heavy snow at a time to make me late when I don’t know it snowed until after I get up after I hit snooze one more time but then have to take the time to clean off my car so it was really one too many times?

Thanks.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Cursed Your Name This Morning When She Got Heavy, Wet Snow In Her Shoes As She Cleared Off Her Car In A Hurry

things to say

Oh, how my brain has been functioning lately . . . I’ve wanted to say things that are probably wildly inappropriate or pointless to people lately. Where better to share them than here?

1. To the guy who stands on his balcony below ours and talks on his cell phone, when I crack my window because it’s ridiculously hot in this apartment, I can hear every word of your conversation with Jules. Ask her out already, dude.

2. To the girl at the gym who half-asses everything she does every time I see her, you need to kick it up about 5 notches for anything you do to even be beneficial to you. I hope that you’re getting out of the exercise what you want to, but I seriously doubt you are.

3. To the local plastic surgeon who advertises and targets new mothers who are already emotional and insecure about their looks, you disgust me. A woman’s worth is not tied to her body image and you should stop preying on people when they are down. Her family is not going to fall apart because she has stretch marks. There is nothing so beautiful as a new mother and her baby, so can it, pal.

4. To the morning and afternoon traffic reporters, you really need to find a system to be a little more up to date with your information. I hate driving the speed limit and hearing that traffic is backed up because of an accident at some specific location, and seeing nothing when I go by. I hate driving around an area to avoid it based on your information to find out that the accident had been cleaned up some time before that. And I REALLY hate when traffic is ridiculously backed up, but you claim that “it’s a speed limit trip on the freeway.”

5. To Amy Sherman-Palladino, please, please, please write a Gilmore Girls movie. And to Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel and the whole motley crew, please come back for it. You know the ending of the series was unsatisfactory, and I want to know what happened next.

6. To my law and religion professor, we didn’t like the Howe article despite your hopes that we enjoyed it. It made no sense, was difficult to read, and quite frankly none of us is sure why it was included in the syllabus to begin with. Sorry.

7. To the creators of Just Dance 2, I can tell you that I have no problem doing your choreography in the privacy of my own living room. But your statement that you can “take the choreography with you” and do it in public . . . um, no. I am not going to point at other people and play air guitar when Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend comes on at a party, thanks.

8. To the guy who parks the BMW in the garage near my apartment building, why on earth are you driving a brand new BMW and living in these craphole apartments?! I’m just saying you could probably spend only a tiny bit more a month and live somewhere you don’t need to wait until no one’s looking to park the car in the garage for fear that someone will break into the garage and lift the car.

9. To Eminem, dude. You won a Grammy. It really is okay to smile a little.

10. To every guy who has purchased and then hung the ridiculous and disturbingly anatomically correct testicles on the back of your pick up truck, you are a moron. That is all.

overheard at the courthouse

Metal detector: *beeeeeeep*

Random lady: Was that me?

Deputy Sheriff: Yes, ma’am.

Random lady: *walks back through*

Deputy Sheriff: Do you have any keys, change, or other metal in your pockets, or maybe jewelry you need to take off?

Random lady: Oh, here. *empties pockets, walks through metal detector*

Metal detector: *beeeeeeeep*

Deputy Sheriff: Ma’am, that was you again.

Random lady: *comes back* Well, I just don’t know. It wouldn’t be my cell phone would it?

Deputy Sheriff: Yes, actually it would.

Me, waiting in line: *sigh*

intelligence FAIL

Recently the city council decided to reduce the number of lanes on a fairly busy thoroughfare leading in and out of downtown in order to better accommodate bicyclists. They reduced the lanes from two each way to one, with a turn lane running the length of the road in the middle, and the bicycle lane between the traffic and parking.

Since the change, I have driven this road many times. I cannot say I’ve ever seen a bicyclist even on it…until today. While I was having that very thought to myself as I drove to the bank, I noticed that there were in fact two bicyclists utilizing the roadway.

They were cycling down the turn lane. In the middle of the road. Not using the specifically designated bicycle lane. Once again, the intelligence and common sense levels of the average individual astound me.

dear Sensodyne commercial people:

Putting legal reporter volumes on a shelf behind your “dentist” does not add credibility. In fact it insults viewer’s intelligence and makes you look pretty stupid to boot.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Is Apparently Too Observant

wait, seriously?!

I found several stories while browsing through the news in my Google Reader feed that made me take a step back and wonder what is wrong with people for the millionth time.

First, there is a new trend in Japan of a divorce ceremony. Seriously. People who are getting divorced apparently are so elated at the prospect that they invite their friends and family to watch them smash their wedding rings with a gavel to symbolize the end of their relationship. The real peach in the story is all of the comments it has garnered. There are a lot of bitter, bitter people out there. The interesting thing is that lawyers often (not always — don’t get me wrong) are a voice of reason in the midst of a divorce battle. Often times clients come in with unrealistic ideas of what their property settlement will be or how much spousal support they are entitled to, and it is their attorney’s job to make them understand reality. The bitterness in divorce comes from the parties, not most attorneys. It’s too bad the few who do feed off the conflict and make it worse give the rest of us a bad name.

Next we have a charming, heartwarming story about a kindergarten graduation in California. Or…not. Apparently there were two main instigators of a brawl on a school lawn near the graduation ceremony. These women were arrested for “suspicion of being a disruptive presence at the school.” You don’t say. The story does not report the cause of the fight, but says that a total of around 20 adults were involved before it was broken up. Seriously. What a wonderful lesson to teach a group of 6-year-olds. Kudos, really. They had to LOCK DOWN THE SCHOOL thanks to your antics. To top it off, parents whose sixth graders ‘graduated’ were not able to see the assembly thrown in their children’s honor. While these ceremonies may be a little bit silly, I would be pretty upset if my child’s was ruined because of sheer stupidity and lack of self control.

I guess the lesson learned from my last noteworthy news of the bizarre is that maybe asking for $25 for your baby outside a Walmart isn’t the best way to raise drug money. This lovely couple decided it would be smart to try to sell their six-month-old baby to strangers. Seriously!? You couldn’t think of a better way to raise some money? Thankfully the women who were propositioned by the father to buy the child called the police. Let’s just say I wasn’t exactly shocked to read that when the cops came a-knocking, the couple was high on meth. Oh, and the mother had breast-fed the baby. While high on meth. So, so awful. It is heartbreaking to think of the uncertainty that lies ahead for the baby, and the potential problems she faces as a result of her exposure to the drug.

Seriously, what is wrong with people?!